Decline of Dramatic Effect

It's been a while since I wrote about Roleplaying Games... and they've been on my mind lately... ever since I got a new room-mate and been showing him my various collections...

I have a few books with me that I haven't even read. Despite that I still feel like getting other game lines that I'm missing from the overall set. Quite a considerable amount of time ago, I bought a copy of the 20th Anniversary Edition of Vampire The Masquerade as part of a European project to mass order it from the States so we can cut down on the shipping price. I've waited months for the release and then I waited a year to actually get the book since I was moving a lot that year... but when I finally got a stable address, the people behind the project sent the game over to my place.

I didn't have a lot of money at the time. I had to scrape what little I had and I only did it because that is the game that got me into a hobby that would be part of my life for more than half thereof. I have a lot of fond memories of that game. I still remember how I unpacked the box that it came in, how I marvelled at the cover, how I started to run games in school and how I tormented my friend with the fact he borrowed it and then gave it back in pieces...

That was two years ago and I still haven't read the book... and now there's a kickstarter for another game that means a lot to me... I find myself in this strange position where I would love to support it but I'm doing nothing about it due to insufficient funds and the knowledge that even if I have the book, I'll do nothing with it...

I did join a game, A Song of Ice and Fire, at The Roleplay Club. I didn't really get into the game. I think my character just got underused. Every time I wanted to show off his personality, I just hit a brick wall due to the circumstances... or maybe I just didn't know the setting well-enough to make a proper character... on the other hand, it was a gamble to begin with since I don't really like games based on existing properties in general... so I ended up wanting to chat with a friend while other players did stuff... and when I had to go to school for an entire month, I decided to just drop from the game...

Thus, gaming was had, I had some fun but I still feel rather lacklustre about roleplaying games. There's even an open spot at the club for someone to run a game but I just can't seem to find the willingness in me to commit to it. I still can't say I burnt out. I have ideas for games and campaigns, my main issue is deciding between them, and I keep catching myself thinking on how to stat the various characters I used to play in Hero System. I'm certainly not suffering from any sort of creative block. I'm even setting up a solo Skype game with a friend and am looking forward to it... alas, my enthusiasm is still not what it used to be...

I think, as far as the Roleplay Club goes, my issue is mainly that I feel, with the utmost certainty, that I shan't be able to run a game of the type that would please my gaming aesthetics.

Story trumps rules!

I can't help but think about this one Actual Play Thread that I've read on RPG.net a long time ago. There was this once scene that sunk into my mind. The game in question was Werewolf The Forsaken. I should explain a bit about the game but I can't just say it's about werewolves... about being a cursed creature with anger management issues... while there should be a lot of that in a game, it is much deeper than what you'd expect. Werewolves, in that setting, are half-spirit creatures who took upon themselves the task of keeping the physical and spiritual realm in balance. One aspect of that is that spirits will often try and break through the barrier between worlds and anchor themselves to the physical realm, preferably by possessing some mortal.

The scene that sunk deep into my psyche was one in which a werewolf approached his (or her, I'm fuzzy on the details at this point) closest relative who suffered a major trauma (probably by being related to a werewolf and dragged into a lot of unpleasant things) and bargained with a happiness spirit in the form of a happy smiley face to possess the person... because it's better for your sister to turn into a happy monster than to let her suffer through the atrocities she's been witness to.

The whole idea of a player going through the trouble of making that moment a significant part of the game struck me as wonderful. It's not just about how much damage you'll be able to dish out with your Epicly Legendary Sword of Doomy Doom +9000... The Pathos! That's what I want in a game... alas, I had people walk out of the games I run because they were too talky... just before the big fight scene between armies that would last a few sessions!

See, I like fight scenes too, that's why one of my favourite games is Exalted... where the more over-the-top action description you make, the higher your chances of actually pulling it off are... but I want drama in my games too... alas, players who will go beyond the call of looting the bodies are so rare that, in a way, I just gave up trying to game...

Last Year's Drama

Well, it's April already and I still haven't done any review of last year.  I wanted to sit down and do it after my CELTA course... but life got in the way, as usual.

I had this enormous post planned in my mind, analysing and breaking apart all those significant events that took place in my insignificant life last year but now I don't feel like going into that sort of detail. I suppose the storm of the past few weeks has passed and I'm just a bit too tired to think about a chapter that has already finished. Yet an epilogue is always good to write...

2012 had this very specific theme of letting things go.

I'd say empathy is considered a desirable trait. We are encouraged to give to charities and look badly at anyone who dares not to help another human being in need. I seem to recall not providing first aid to someone being considered a criminal offence... but I'm not a lawyer. Problem is when you have too much empathy; when you care about others more than yourself; when you sacrifice your own well-being so someone else has the sliver of a chance to get better.

I suppose this is why others always told me to take care of myself.

Two things happened. My dad rage-quit his job and as he was in the process of moving, he decided he didn't want the place where his contract was about to end nor the new one that he signed the contract for. After spending a vacation at my mum's place, he asked me if he could move in with me while he's looking for a job in England. I agreed since he's my father and I wanted to help him. That was one of my biggest mistakes that year.

I got into arguments with him over smoking in my room. Thing is I rent a bedsit so this one room is all that I have available. My dad deemed it too hard to go outside for a smoke, especially since he saw other tenants smoking in their rooms. Of course, my dislike of him making a chimney out of my room was all my fault since I got unused to inhaling smoke and my sister and mum somehow survived it. The way I kept coughing was because I kept getting sick at work. The worst parts were when I he started to shout and threaten me with moving back with my mum, without a job, so she won't have any money to live all because I couldn't handle a bit of smoke.

There were also other problems like my dad being unhappy that I'm not jumping with joy because he put up shelves that I didn't want in the first place, or him telling me how to use a fork, which all can be summed up by this nifty term called micromanaging...

I promised my mum I will put up with it for a month as was our agreement. Fortunately, all his talk of 'only for a month' actually being meant as a preliminary didn't come true. He moved out and I had a few weeks of peace. Until he decided the best way to approach the problem of why his son doesn't want to speak with him is to take a week off, go to my place and stay here until I have no choice but to talk to him. This too ended without me calling the police to get rid of him because my sister coerced him to leave me alone. I was shocked when my sister told me dad doesn't know why I'm angry with him because he didn't do anything wrong.

I guess somewhere along the way I got so tired of being treated like his soldier that I just quit. I wanted to have a good relationship with my father and not let it turn out like how his relationship with his parents is but I just had enough.

The other important development was with this pseudo-friend I had. Now that I look back at it, it's just strange. We met at work and hung out a lot. After a while we found out we had a lot in common... but to my chagrin, all attempts to actually follow up on those activities were ignored time and time again until I was told to just stop it. So all we did was hung out and chat about her problems whenever she called me. She asked me for help often and I kept on helping the best I could because that's just the way I am, I like helping people.

I suppose everything would have been fine if she didn't tell me how grateful she is for meeting me and that if I'll ever need any help to just tell her because I'm her best friend... and one day I did. I asked her to meet up because I wanted to tell her how the things she keeps telling me hurt me, she said she'll get back to me but then she kinda forgot about it. I just couldn't make any sense of it. It looked to me like she can only find time for someone she wants to sleep with or to get drunk but her best friend who she supposedly treasures so much is just not worth giving a grain of her time.

I confronted her about it after nearly a month. She claimed she didn't think it was important and was angry at me that she always has to take the initiative. That was a short conversation, we met up later to discuss matters outside of work. She said I was playing a game with her, that she felt cheated and that everything was a lie. I told her that I just wanted to share some of my life with her like she did with hers.

There was some back and forth between us for a while. During which she told my sister things between me and her were getting better, though I don't know how since she wasn't doing anything to make it better. Then we started to talk again and after a while she asked me to take her to the doctor's again, so I did... and it was the same thing again. I invited her to do stuff together a few more times but she kept bailing on me... and then she told me that the reason why she didn't call me at all was because she was too busy getting drunk... The same thing happened again but this time, since we weren't working together any more, I had to text her saying how much I hate her behaviour and her lies. She tried calling me but I felt too much like crying to have a conversation. Then she tried talking to me on Facebook but I went to make breakfast and by the time I got back she just told me now she knew what I really wanted from her. I explained myself again and we didn't speak to each other for several weeks.

Until she called me to ask if I would lend her some money... so I did. We talked a bit, she hugged me, said she was touched and yet I felt this sense of everything being false. I didn't expect to see that money back. I followed up with a test, I invited her for a Christmas dinner since neither of us had any family close. She said she couldn't come, as per usual. Last I heard from her, she called me crying, saying that she kicked out her boyfriend because he was tormenting her psychologically by being so jealous that she couldn't have any friends whatsoever and that she didn't know if she's just so immature to not be able to hold down a relationship. I listened but I felt like I didn't really care... not any more at least.

When all of that was going on I just felt like my self-esteem is eroding. I just felt worthless and used for my kindness. I didn't expect that standing up, getting the courage to feel I deserve better than this and actually saying enough is enough would make me feel so much better. I'm glad I did what I did, I really don't need that sort of self-absorbed people in my life... and I feel a lot, lot better now...

The Language Fiend Rises

At the end of the summer I have finally saved up enough money to go for a CELTA course. The clever reader may remember that I once tried to get onto this course which would give me much sought after teaching qualifications. It was time for another try. Everything seemed to be in place. I could pay for it on my own and I could use my holidays to go for it so it was only logical that I were to download the application form.

My first problem to tackle was that of having a sufficiently high grade in an English exam to qualifiy for a C1 level of comprehension at least. I had to track down the Common European Framework of Reference chart comparing grades of various English exams and found that my IELTS score of 7.5 was enough to qualify. It turned out that it was just what I needed and that everyone who has been telling me I should get a First Certificate in English should shut up.

The best part of filling the application was how I got to the section for Languages Known and Their Level... and I ran out of space...

After submitting it, I received several language tasks meant to check my knowledge of the English language. I got a reply saying that I need to redo two of them because they wanted me to use specific books that were on the list provided because they wanted to check my ability to do language research. The tasks they were referring to were about differences between tenses and different uses of modal verbs. The problem was that I wanted to do it as soon as possible so I used what any self-respecting linguist would do and used corpora for the task. Yet they wanted me to use specific books so I got mad and decided I'll give them an analysis that will make their eyes bleed.

This stage was the longest one. I've spent the first week in two libraries going through some grammar books and a huge chunk of time just waiting for books I've reserved to be returned to the library. In the end I wrote an analysis of tenses and modal verbs and sent it off. I received an invite to an interview about a week later and it took me another week just to set up a time for the interview.

I went for the interview and it was quite interesting. I was first given a task to write about what teachers and learners can do to enrich the language learning experience and then I had a chat with one of the teachers. She told me that she never saw that detailed and well-referenced analysis of tenses and modal verbs. She gave me a few tasks on spelling and punctuation. I was a bit nervous and made some mistakes but I think she was happy with how I could see where I made them. She asked me about parts of speech and affixes. It was really funny when she asked me what -able in manageable is and I told her it's a derivational morpheme. She told me it's true but she wanted a simpler answer so I just guessed she wanted me to say it's a suffix.

Then we went on to talk about teaching methodology, my experiences with teaching and learning and she asked me to show her how I would explain some grammar concepts, what I would teach specific groups of students and some teaching specific terminology. All around, it was a very enjoyable conversation. At one point we talked about pronunciation. She told me not to worry about my accent because everyone has an accent of some sort. I told her that I do try to look up IPA for words I'm not sure about, she asked if I can read it and I told her I can read most of the signs that are on the board behind me. She asked me to demonstrate, so I did and she was quite impressed... even though I only went through the vowels and diphthongs which are the ones I have most problems with.

I told her how I doubt I'll get a job even after this course because schools prefer to employ native speakers rather than people like me but she told me her school has several non-English teachers and they even had a Polish woman working here a while time ago. So there may be some hope for me yet. I did feel better after hearing that.

There is one thing that she kept on coming back to as the interview went on. Mainly how most people who enter this course need to start thinking about English on a higher level while I have to do the opposite since my English is that advanced. I kept feeling like the questions she's asking me are too simple that they must be trick questions and she kept telling me they weren't. For instance, she asked me to say what he and do is in a sentence and I was really surprised when she told me that some people don't know that he is a subject.

She had a laugh when I told her I find it fascinating how different languages can have the same word but pronounce it differently, like Spanish and Italian. We were talking about it because she asked me to give her a short lesson in Polish just to check how I would approach teaching complete beginners. The subject of drilling in pronounciation and relation between graphs and phonemes came up.

I was nervous during the whole interview but looking back at it, it was a really enjoyable conversation about subjects that I love and I kept myself together better than I was expecting to. I really feel like I came a long way these past few years.

I nearly cried when she told me she will give me a place on the course.

A Stream of Thoughts...

Another summer went through and I'm still undecided on how I feel about it. Many things have happened... good and bad... over the period of many months...

I had some very serious problems with my father that caused a rift between me and my family. Anyone who knows will be aware that I hold family ties very dear to my heart. Unfortunately, the situation went so out of hand that I no longer felt safe in my own place. I guess I could say I got unused to it after I moved out so I felt like I'm taking a step backwards rather than forwards...

Nobody wants to go back to dark places...

It was horrible. I felt like I was a prisoner... and my only crime was that I wanted to help my family... but whatever I did was not enough because I refused to throw away the life I am building for myself... Once again, I started to fear going back home... my friends knew about it and tried to help me by just hanging out and chatting while I was waiting for my dad to just go to bed...

The gesture was nice and I am still grateful but it did cause problems of its own. I felt like I was with people 24/7 and that tires me out greatly. The extent of how terrible an effect it has on me I can only see now, after nearly five months of build-up.

Then I managed to get rid of my dad and my sister arrived for the summer. Last year our shifts at work were such that we didn't have a day off together, that changed this year. Although I knew it would be hard, I didn't have the heart to just make sure I would keep my contact with her to a minimum, especially since she was happy to have a chance to spend time with me. So I kept our shifts the way they were. stopped going to the Roleplay Club and ended up with no time to study...

I am generally unused to it, she usually just ignores me. I suspect she wanted to alleviate the tension that rose up with our father... and well, after we went through the most recent season of The Vampire Diaries, she lost interest...

I asked her to do things together. I suggested films, series and games for us both but she preferred to read comments on the net.

I suppose work was a bit better... I had a few annoyances with people telling me that what I'm doing with my free time is wrong and I should stop... I minimised contact with one really nice person because she kept saying things that hurt me... and I stopped talking to someone really annoying...

I also made the decision to stop drinking all together rather than having a cider now and then... so now I have to deal with people being even more obnoxious about my drinking habits...

As I said before, there were also good things. I started to give tuitions and people became very interested in me teaching them. I met a lot of wonderful people this year and I've been making changes to my life that I hope are for the best.

At one point my sister's laptop broke down and I couldn't bare seeing her unable to find something to do with herself. Since then I've been spending more time on my Xbox and while my Gamerscore did go up significantly, I lost my ability to order my thoughts. I didn't think about it back then... just like I didn't think not going to the gym for a week would cause insomnia... but it is what it is...

My mind is chaotic and labyrinthine... like the dreams of the Neverborn... to look into it can drive anyone insane... Now I realise that I do need to order my thoughts... I do need time alone, by myself, to either write down or contemplate things so I can function normally...

I did try to talk about what's going on with me... but I'm not a talker... I'm trying as hard as I can to go out and talk to people... and it's odd to hear someone say that I like to talk... after so many years spent in the silence of a grave... but talking is still stressful... I can teach, I can explain, I can guide but I doubt I have a good grasp of having a simple chat...

but I like to listen... and every time someone asks me for my opinion, taking me out of that comfortable state I'm in... my first thought is: ANGRIFF!!!

All of the above has built up in me to the extent that I keep acting in ways that are so far away from my norm... I no longer feel like myself... it has gotten to the point where I'm lashing out at anything and anyone... things that I would normally ignore cause me to erupt with uncontrollable rage...

I'm losing my cool too often...

but it's not the first time I'm at this stage...

I know what to do...

I'm just afraid I might not be able to...

well...

My sister is at work now...

and I'm here alone...

in silence as soft and gentle
as a wind sweeping ashes off the graves...
surrounded by the absence of light...
being consumed by nothingness...
and with only my heart...
counting down the last few moments...
...
...
...

Introversion

As it usually happens when venturing forth into the unknown space of the net, you sometimes find some interesting things. Yesterday I found this nifty list on the internet... I'm reposting it here mainly because I see a lot of myself in it and I think just going through it might help some of my friends understand why I behave in certain ways when I go out with them...

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Introverts don’t like to talk.
This is not true. Introverts just don’t talk unless they have something to say. They hate small talk. Get an introvert talking about something they are interested in, and they won’t shut up for days.

Introverts are shy.
Shyness has nothing to do with being an Introvert. Introverts are not necessarily afraid of people. What they need is a reason to interact. They don’t interact for the sake of interacting. If you want to talk to an Introvert, just start talking. Don’t worry about being polite.

Introverts are rude.
Introverts often don’t see a reason for beating around the bush with social pleasantries. They want everyone to just be real and honest. Unfortunately, this is not acceptable in most settings, so Introverts can feel a lot of pressure to fit in, which they find exhausting.

Introverts don’t like people.
On the contrary, Introverts intensely value the few friends they have. They can count their close friends on one hand. If you are lucky enough for an introvert to consider you a friend, you probably have a loyal ally for life. Once you have earned their respect as being a person of substance, you’re in.

Introverts don’t like to go out in public.
Nonsense. Introverts just don’t like to go out in public FOR AS LONG. They also like to avoid the complications that are involved in public activities. They take in data and experiences very quickly, and as a result, don’t need to be there for long to “get it.” They’re ready to go home, recharge, and process it all. In fact, recharging is absolutely crucial for Introverts.

Introverts always want to be alone.
Introverts are perfectly comfortable with their own thoughts. They think a lot. They daydream. They like to have problems to work on, puzzles to solve. But they can also get incredibly lonely if they don’t have anyone to share their discoveries with. They crave an authentic and sincere connection with ONE PERSON at a time.

Introverts are weird.
Introverts are often individualists. They don’t follow the crowd. They’d prefer to be valued for their novel ways of living. They think for themselves and because of that, they often challenge the norm. They don’t make most decisions based on what is popular or trendy.

Introverts are aloof nerds.
Introverts are people who primarily look inward, paying close attention to their thoughts and emotions. It’s not that they are incapable of paying attention to what is going on around them, it’s just that their inner world is much more stimulating and rewarding to them.

Introverts don’t know how to relax and have fun.
Introverts typically relax at home or in nature, not in busy public places. Introverts are not thrill seekers and adrenaline junkies. If there is too much talking and noise going on, they shut down. Their brains are too sensitive to the neurotransmitter called Dopamine. Introverts and Extroverts have different dominant neuro-pathways. Just look it up.

Introverts can fix themselves and become Extroverts.
Introverts cannot “fix themselves” and deserve respect for their natural temperament and contributions to the human race. In fact, one study (Silverman, 1986) showed that the percentage of Introverts increases with IQ.

Identity Crisis

Roleplaying had always been a very large part of who I am. I've been playing those games since I was twelve years old. I've even considered writing a more-or-less detailed history of how I went through the games. Even now I have notes to write a few blog posts within the subject of roleplaying games, I once had an idea to write a whole series of posts on how to run games on a forum and I still have those plans for articles to be submitted to Asylum which I really should work on.

Throughout most of my life I didn't have a group of people dedicated enough to sit down and play some games with me regularly. When I was a teenager, the greatest thing ever was to get so drunk you woke up the next day. It is perhaps suffice to say that I tried and failed to see the attraction. Roleplaying games, on the other hand, provided me with enough mental stimulation and an outlet for my rampant imagination that I played them more and more. Alas, it is rather difficult to play them without anyone to play them with. So I tried playing online. First with chats, then on a forum and in the end I landed on RPoL.

I liked it for many reason and I've both ran and played in many games over there. Some were good, others died a slow and painful death. At present I'm running one game with people that proved to be very patient when I was going through some very harsh times. They stayed for months when I was homeless or (even worse!) internetless. Yet now, after all these years, I find myself at a point in time I thought was impossible to appear on my path. I come to the conclusion that I've lost enthusiasm for roleplaying.

I'm not really sure as for the whys or hows. Truth is, running a game on a forum requires commitment. It doesn't matter how you feel, sometimes you just have to sit down and write what you have to write. It's a very similar process as with writing anything. When you have deadlines, you work on meeting them whether you like it or not... and for a long time, that's what I did. I ran several other games before and I did actually have a time set up in the day to write what needed to be written. I kept to that time and there were days when I cursed myself for it and there were days when I was more than happy to see what came out of my, and my players', writing.

This is not how I feel today...

What I've described may seem tedious. That's because it is tedious. Roleplaying has become as much work as it was a fun past time. While this may seem like it was a problem, it wasn't a problem at all. I revelled in it and I was happy. Alas, today my feelings are much different.

I find myself waking up and I have some time to kill before work. I see there's work to be done on this game I'm running. I don't do it. Later on, I come back from work and while tired, I feel obliged to do some work on this game I'm running. I open the web-address and look at it. I don't do it. This is not to say I didn't do anything at all. I did update and clean up the game a few times but this is the worst part. When I actually did some work on it, I felt nothing... no frustration, no enthusiasm...

I don't think I burned myself out. I did a few times in the past when I had no idea what to do next and needed to take two weeks off to clear my head. No, I know what I want to do and I am sure I have the time to do it. What I think is happening is that I simply no longer care enough...

I have a theory that it's all because of a previous game I ran. It was an Exalted game, a system that is perhaps the closest I would say to being my favourite. I've been running that game for nearly three years and I was very proud of how it all went. The plots and the characters were marvellous. It was a real shame that I didn't manage to save all the data from it before it got deleted due to inactivity... but that's entirely my fault...

Thing is that now it seems like all the games I'm running just pale in comparison and I just can't get myself to create another game that would be as great and as fun as that one. So I'm left feeling inadequate for now and thus this feeling of mellowness is given rise.

In the end, I decided to make the hard choice of leaving forum roleplaying for the time being. I think I may see if the club I used to go to has any spaces in any games... maybe that will help me rekindle my gaming problems...

HeroClix Rules Update

HeroClix is one of those games that I love to play but I end up having no one to play it with... This is something that happens often with any hobby game... yet I can't say that fact stopped me from engaging in my geekness...

About a month ago I came across an announcement that the rules for Team Abilities have changed. Probably the biggest news was the introduction of a new Team Ability: Avengers Initiative. Anyone following the Marvel film, especially Iron Man, should know this refers to this year's Avengers film. In other words, the changes came about in anticipation of people getting interested enough in superheroes that they would go and buy some miniatures. Especially since there are plans to release a set that would include a lot of characters from the films.

Last summer I decided that the small rulebook and list of powers provided with the starter sets are just not good enough. The problem with the game is that small changes are introduced every so often so if you want to have reference sheets that are up to date, you have to buy the sets regularly. Alas, I can't get myself to buy a set solely for the purpose of getting a reference sheet... so as with most things, I made one for myself...

If you want to take a look, I've created a download link just for you. I have all those pages printed out and put in a small folder, whenever a change is made (which I think is about once a year), I print out the pages that have changed and replace the old ones with the new ones.

Even though I never even got to use it...